ROSES ARE RED, EDIBLE PANTIES ARE BLUE

The highly-commercialized Hallmark holiday is fast approaching and my guess is, if you have a significant other or a special someone, you are scrambling to put together something worthy of his or her affection. Truth is, card and flower companies world-wide are banging off your buck because you are supplementing your physical bang abilities with something that smells nice and dies after three days or ends up in the trash. What kind of message is sent to your loved one with a wilt-able rose bud or an already spoiling box of chocolates? 

Being a fan of romanticism, I wouldn't mind a bouquet...but let's face it, Valentine's Day has become more of a spectacle than a true expression of the ooey-gooey love that we all have deep down inside our (conversation) hearts.

So when considering what I want from the new man in my life, I've decided to break out of the ordinary and go for the gift that really says "I love you." Or in my case--just starting out a new relationship--"You Rock."

#1: For The Jealous Type

If you are tired of kissing through the phone, take off your arms (figuratively, despite the message Hug-e-Gram is trying to convey) and send someone a lasting embrace. Forget flowers or balloons, let the one you care about feel your sort of arms around them. Want to let Mike in accounting know your woman is taken? Send her Hug-E-Gram to the office and insist she wear it all day. Need to make a statement that you can beat Mike up if he crosses the line? Send the extra large "bear" hug...not available currently, but it should be!

#2: A Different Kind of Dinner Reservation

You just spent over $60 dollars at Victoria's Secret on a lacy, red get-up that will hopefully get your man up in the sack. You haven't eaten in five days to make sure your boobs look bigger compared to your slim tummy. Speaking of eating, why not try on a little edible undies instead of the traditional attire. Yes, it's one use only...but what are the chances that you and Mr. Right Now will even be together next February. And if you're anything like me, reuse of lingerie with different men makes you feel wrong. And you should. This probably won't fill either of you up--with food--so consider ordering in Chinese to curb the "after love-making" munchies.

#3: For American Idol Addicts

Who doesn't want four conspicuously "friendly" men belting out a more than likely off-key rendition of "My Funny Valentine" amidst your quiet, sophisticated office environment? I do, I do. Pick Me! Once their done with their little diddy turn this creepy greeting into a worthwhile audition. Take on the persona of your favorite Idol judge and pick apart the performance. Though the men may leave more awkward than they came, you may have redeemed yourself from a few weeks of office jokes.

#4: Write Your Love In The Sky

Naming a star after someone is SO 2009. Want to get your special someone something in the sky that he or she can actually see without a telescope or a qualified astronomer? How about a personal airplane banner. This can be a bit pricey, so make sure you're really serious about your other or have a huge bonus coming in the mail. The only issue with this gift: depending on where you are, it may be difficult to see the plane. There goes $600 dollars...but it's the thought that counts. For a less expensive, air-driven message try this route. This ensures your message is delivered and could be considered more "personal" based on proximity.

#5: Don't do any of these idiotic things and send your woman some flowers. Trust me, she'll do you for a dozen roses.

Apple iPROTECTION

Along with the release of the buzz-worthy iPad, Steve Jobs plans to release an indestructible cover for all iPod products. The amount of Apple merchandise exchanges (under warranty) has the maker of all products wondering, "How can we make our product more durable and lasting?" The answer to the question is the iProtection. The only multiple-sized contraption that can be adjusted to fit any Apple product now available on the market. This revolutionary product will revolutionize the already revolutionized Apple mecca.

After a brief phone interview with a costumer service manager at an Apple store, I got the scoop on the iProtection and the expected release date. Take a look at my Q&A with this very helpful service rep for all things iProtection.

Marie: When will the iProtection be released?

Apple Service Rep: Exactly one month after the iPad was released. However this may very from person to person dependent on their need for protection once the iPad has been used.

M: What is the ultimate purpose of the iProtection?

ASP: To make sure nothing gets into the Apple user's product that could ruin the life of the it.

M: Why now? Apple products have been out for a long time.

ASP: We realized users need a little bit more protection while still getting the same satisfaction level. The importance is for the iProtection to not obstruct the look and feel of the product being used, but still provide protection to the user.

M: You've probably heard that the iPad is being coined "a larger version or Zack Morris-sized" iPod. What's your response to this and how does this influence the sales of the much larger size of iProtection?

ASP: We all know size doesn't matter; it's what the product brings to the table. A larger Apple product, say the iPad, may be harder to manuver and but it will definitely bring more satisfaction to the costumer than the previous iPod. In regards to the iProtection sales being affected by the iPad's "Zack Morris-sized" physique, the iProtection comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors. I'm sure the user will find something that is a perfect fit and works for them when using their product.

M: Do we have any other revolutionary Apple products to look forward to in the future?

ASP: I can't talk about it at this time, but Apple is always trying to find new ways to satisfy the costumer.

....that's all we've got at this time. More on the iProtection to come.

New Moon Turns Many On ... To Team Jacob!

Have you ever had a secret you can’t tell anyone? I’m afraid I’m about to divulge the biggest no-no in the history of obsessing over Robert Pattinson…

New Moon portrays everything found in Stephenie Meyer’s book, the grueling emotion of a love-triangle, a world full of mystical monsters, and a whole shit ton of rain.  But, much to this Robsessed girl’s surprise, when it comes to a battle of the bare midriffs, Taylor Lautner’s washboard tummy whips Robert Pattinson’s skimpy, airbrushed “abs” hands down. New Moon has opened my Robsessed eyes to something new and dangerous, Team Jacob.

Drooling over Jacob walking shirtless in the rain. Guilty.

Ouch, it physically hurts to except that Pattinson is far from sexy in the newest Twilight installment, but he looks more dead, pale, and scrawny then ever when standing next to the Indian-god Jacob Black. Yeah, we know he doesn’t work out and loves his junk food, but a mere shaving of the chest would have gained Edward some sex points. Truth is New Moon turned the Edward craze into somewhat of a pity party with enough vampire brooding to fill the rest of the Twilight Saga and the lack of a sparkly, well-dressed Edward tossing up a to-die-for crooked smile here and there.

New Moon has me achin’ for some Jake-in, if you know what I mean. The flick turned the very emotional feud between Jacob and Edward into a full on body war in which Jacob, no doubt, is the clear winner. When watching Jacob strut his stuff I had to remind myself of two very important things: One, I still have about a year before I can legally jump his Native American bones. And two, my mother is sitting right next to me in the premiere.

The good news is, Lautner’s man parts finally descended giving him a burly voice and changing the image of “little brother” to “I wish you weren’t my brother.” On the other hand, Pattinson’s razor sharp jaw line doesn’t sparkle enough in New Moon to outshine Lautner’s performance. Though I stand a firm member of Team Edward, because I’m just so not into shedding (read: a huge ass dog as my boy toy), I have to admit for approximately 10 minutes I fell for Jacob. Phew, glad that’s over.

So Lautner is giving Pattinson a run for his money when it comes to his hott bod, but what about the third point in the love triangle, the mullet-headed twat, Kristen Stewart—aka Bell Swan.

 

I am a firm believer that Kristen Stewart is the worst actress to be called a “good actress” in Hollywood today. She is, as I’ve mentioned before, the female equivalent to Michael Cera with the emotional range of a teaspoon. Having said that, Stewart was absolutely breathtaking in New Moon. Yes, that’s right, I just complimented Stewart on her acting skills. Enjoy it now, it will never happen again.

Something happened, be it acting classes, a new real-life love interest (Pattinson), or just puberty, Stewart owned Bella Swan and all the emotion that surrounds the character in New Moon. She smiled convincingly, actually cried, and even quit batting her eyes like a hummingbird as she really honed in on Swan as a character and not just another disinterested, emo-girl role—which Stewart plays oh so well in all of her other movies. This new found respect for Stewart as an actress may not last, but at least I won’t feel the need to verbally bash her the next 100+ times I watch New Moon.

Now onto the big tuna, the one who had the vision for New Moon—no I’m not talking about lame-o Stephenie Meyer and the “dream” she had that started it all—I’m talking Chris Weitz the director and mastermind behind the movie.

I’m pretty sure Weitz made a bet with someone that he could, in great detail, incorporate every major scene from the 500-page book and follow the exact plot line within the confines of a 2 hour and 2 minute movie. Though in most cases this is impossible, weirdo-Weitz doesn’t believe in the impossible and that someone better start forking—pun intended—over the cash.

Though it was a bit choppy and quick-paced, New Moon is like reading the book from cover to cover. Most critics of drastic plot changes would think this is a good thing, I think it’s just too much movie in one movie. Had I not read the book, the scene changes have had a lot of moviegoers wondering what the hell is going on now?

Another issue with the movie, according to LOTR’s buffs and Harry Potter lovers, is the CGI. I have absolutely no idea what this means and I don’t care to know, so don’t explain it to me. Supposedly, it has something to do with special effects? I honestly don’t see how someone can criticize how realistic it looks when someone transforms into a werewolf … I’m sorry, did I miss the point when in real life you witnessed a werewolf transformation with which to compare? … I didn’t think so.

As far as I am concerned, the CGI—special effects, or whatever—is pretty freaking baller. Considering I would be satisfied with them throwing a Husky in the split frame and calling it a transformation. As long as there is enough Edward hallucinations, and believe me there are, I’m not very concerned with massive dogs, being a vampire girl and all.

 

After seeing New Moon twice in the past 24 hours, I remain a Robert Pattinson-obsessed fan. As a Robert Pattinson and Twilight Saga enthusiast, I wear my “Team Edward” shirt with dignity and thank Stephenie Meyer for her lack of “striptease in Italy” scenes in Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. Robert Pattinson is still drop dead sexy in my mind, as long as he keeps his Stoli on and remembers to drink up during mealtime—the dead look is so not working for him.

IT'S HAMMER TIME

I just had my last official college class today and, yes, I think that calls for some dancing, singing, and all out Hammer time. Honestly, when is this not appropriate? 

If all goes according to plan, I'll be Hammering in more ways than one in Manhattan (No, I don't want a job in construction, or do I?) within the next month...all I need to get my hands on now is the most elusive job...dun dun dun. Hiring? Please feel free to contact me. Nothing specific — if you will give me money to live off, I will work for you.

Flash Mob Does Janet Jackson

Okay, in all honesty, this is a less than awesome flash mob. The numbers are small, the element of surprise is lost in the set up, and some of the dancers are down right scary (read: flailing, large men). But besides the failed attempt at being an awesome flash mob, they did grab the attention of the lady of the day, Janet Jackson.

A medley of Janet dance moves put to some of Janet's greatest hits completed the flash mob in The Grove in Los Angeles. The only impressive thing about this particular flash mob is the smile that plastered Janet's face as she watched the entire thing from a balcony on the street.

Watch the Janet Jackson flash mob below:

No doubt, this was a pleasant surprise in all the turmoil surrounding Jackson's brother, Michael's, death. With the continued accusations against his personal physicians, the turmoil surrounding his orphaned children, and the impending reality series starring Jackson family members ... Janet has no doubt found herself in the controversial spotlight a lot recently. What a relief to be honored with a flash mob and a tribute to her music.

Twilight Quicky: New Moon PREMIERE

Well, the boys are back in town ...  and that includes the lovely, mullet-headed "lady," KStew ... for the L.A. premiere of New Moon. Aren't one of the fanpires who camped out four days ago in front of Mann's Village Theatre and Bruin Theatre to get a glimpse of the stars from afar? No worries. Twilight fans, go here to check out the live stream from the red carpet at New Moon's L.A. premiere. Its just hours away...


And on a side note, has anyone else noticed how much closer Robert and Kristen have been getting to each other in pictures? I hear a relationship announcement in the works. Or an evil Summit Entertainment plot to raise ticket sales; I wouldn't put it past them.

KRISTIN AND ROBERT ARE SO DOING IT

HOLY TALEDO, OMFG ... Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are so dating, or doing it, or REALLY good friends (yeah right). Proof has surfaced, and I don't care how juvenile it may be, I totally believe it. And I am in a weird way really not pissed at all. Maybe KStew has grown on me — so not possible — or maybe its because I have a more, realistic boy on my mind.

But let's not get personal. I'm not famous, I don't have pictures of me holding hands with my rumored love interest, and I sure as hell am not shagging the hottest bachelor Brit in Hollywood.

So as of now, which is harder for me than you could ever believe, I say: "You go KStew!" I'll probably hate you by tomorrow when the shock and red wine wear off.